Do You Have A Spare Toilet?

Scavenger Hunt (1979)

Ah the scavenger hunt movie. Is there anything better then packing in a bunch of celebrities into a comedy and have them race about trying to win a prize or get some treasure? The answer is “yes” as pretty near all these movies aren’t very good. From the It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World to Rat Race, Hollywood is always putting out a film like this. In the late 70’s, early eighties, there were a bunch of these, culminating in the fan fave The Cannonball Run (directed by Hal Needham, who you will remember from The Villain).

It is in this genre that we find the movie of today, Scavenger Hunt. The basic plot is a game manufacturer played by the great Vincent Price kicks off and states in his will that the winner of a scavenger hunt will win his inheritance. The rest of the movie is the madcap, wacky scavenger hunt as the mostly b-list/non-celebs run about trying to win. It has a nice message in the end and it’s all very boring. All the actors are doing their best with the material, and some like Scatman Crothers and Roddy McDowell are genuinely likeable. Others like Richard Mulligan and his Marx Brothers type impression just grate on you. The script eventually sinks it. It kind of wants to be an edgy Animal House type of comedy but within a PG rating so it never works. It’s too broad, too annoying and in the end, too cheap and a waste of time. Maybe with bigger names it would work as a curiosity. As it is, it just doesn't work.

Arnold has a very small roll, especially coming from the 3rd billing he had in the previous The Villain. He plays the owner of a gym who basically tortures and beats the shit out of Tony Randall who is there for a medicine ball for the hunt. It’s a small scene, but one of the better comedic bits in the film. Arnold does just fine with his first stab of broad comedy, looking very comfortable as the over-eager muscle guy. You kind of wish he had more to do. Sadly he doesn’t. Fortunately for us Arnie will have many attempts at family friendly comedies, but that is in the future, let us wait for those to come!

So basically this is another film to skip in the Arnold filmography, though it’s not really a proper Arnold movie of course, but a shit ensemble movie.

Who's The Real Villain Here?

The Villain (1979)

In late 1977 a car movie debuted as a massive hit and boosted the careers of the stars Burt Reynolds and Sally Fields into the stratosphere while kick starting the CB radio/Trucker craze. That film was directed by Hal Needham, and it was called Smokey & The Bandit. It’s a pretty great car crash comedy, one of the best you’ll see. Needham, an ex-stuntman followed it up with a surprisingly good stuntman film called Hooper and clearly based on the success of these two movies Needham was given the keys to Hollywood to make any film he wanted. That next film was The Villain.

Ever wonder what a live action version of a Road Runner cartoon would be like? Well wonder no more, it would be pretty terrible, and this movie proves it. The amazing, legendary Kirk Douglas stars in the title roll of Cactus Jack ie- The Villain, a surrogate While E Coyote that is after the money that Anne Margaret it carrying. All the gags that you’ve seen in Loony Tunes Cartoons find there way into this in an incredibly terrible and painful to watch way. It just does not work at all. There’s not enough scenery for Douglas to chew, and Anne Margaret does her best to liven things up with her flirty sex appeal. It doesn’t really work either. Nothing works! Not even the stunts are worthwhile in this western spoof. It’s truly terrible! Why would they try to make this film?

Arnold Schwarzenegger fairs just as well as everyone else in his roll of Handsome Stranger. Yes, that is his characters name. He plays a naive, “Dudley Do-Right” type roll that is out to protect Anne Margaret and not realizing her advances. He does just fine in a roll that requires nothing from him in the acting department.

There’s nothing left to say. This isn’t a proper Arnie movie, it’s a terrible western spoof comedy that no one can redeem. It’s mostly sad, Douglas especially deserves better.

Pumpin' Iron For the Man!

It's that time folks, time for another film from the movie master, Arnold Schwarzenegger! You would think I would be better at spelling his last name by now, but you would be wrong. In your FACE high school education! Right, let's get too it, times a wastin'!

Pumping Iron (1977)

Arnold gets the starring roll in his next film, a documentary following some body builders competing in the 1975 Mr. Olympia body building competition. I’m not sure if “starring” is the right word, he is on the poster though. I think this means that this was filmed before Arnold's break out roll in Stay Hungry which came out in 1976. Christ, who knew this was going to be so complicated? It’s like, math or something! Anyways, while this is about the competition, Arnold steals the show with his charisma. Most of the film is set around a rivalry between Arnold and future Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno, with Arnold constantly ribbing and eventually driving Lou out of his mind. Lou never “Hulks Out” though, which really would of made the final third of this film interesting. I probably should of spoiler-ed that bit.

There’s not really much to say about this, since it is a documentary. It’s not like you can really criticize or examine performances. I did get two things out of this film though.

1: Body building has really changed. I admittedly know nothing about the sport. I do know that I find body builders freakish and gross. They are just too big, like bizarre versions of people. Or like someone stuck an air tube up their ass and inflated them to barely bursting proportions. This must be a modern thing since in this film, no one is really gross. Lou is on the cusp of being freakish, and actually looks much larger then Arnold. Arnold though, while certainly not small, does however look “naturally” muscular. Everything looks perfectly in proportion on his frame. It’s quite impressive.

2: Anyone who’s seen this movie should not of been the least bit surprised of Arnold’s recent scandals. He frankly admits to being a not all that fussy pussy hound. This type of candid Arnold seems to be long gone. I don’t think you’re going to see much of the Arnold lounging around on a couch with a doobie reminiscing about how awesome he is these days.

And that’s what makes this film kind of sad. I like 1970’s “I take no bullshit” Arnold Schwarzenegger! It’s a shame that’s lost. That’s about all I got on this. If you like body building or documentaries, you will probably like this. If you like Arnold, you will surely like this since this is probably about as close as your going to get to seeing Arnold more like he actually is.

3.5 out of 5 Arnies

So far Arnold's career is going up, up... and maybe away? Next up is Scavenger Hunt. Nope, I never heard of it either. Let's hold thumbs that Arnold does good!

* Just to clear up any confusion, despite what the poster says, there is no blood or guts in this movie.

Stay HAAAAAAANGRY!

Welcome film fans, to the latest installment of the Arnold Schwarzenneger film project! It is still happening, it will not be stopped! It probably wont be complete either, I'm sure I'm missing movies. I have NOT missed one yet though! So let's take a look at the mighty Arnold's next film after not doing anything in The Long Goodbye.

Stay Hungry (1976)

Now we get a proper Arnold movie! Not only is he the co-star, he stars opposite “The Dude” himself, handsome young Jeff Bridges! Not only does he star opposite The Dude, but he’s trained by Robert “Freddy Kruger” Englund! That’s right, it’s The Terminator, The Dude and Freddy all in a movie together! Clearly this is potentially the greatest movie of all time! It could of been if it was made in the year 2000, but it was not. So what is it?

It’s the story of a recently orphaned rich young fellow played by Bridges who’s looking to buy out The Olympia gym to complete a business deal. Then he gets hooked on body building and the receptionist. Arnold basically plays himself, a patron of the gym who’s training for the Mr. Universe title. Arnold does not play himself in that he is a crazy likeable sweet heart instead of a crazy likeable egomaniac. His character is charming, humble, sweet and basically the guy you want to be buddies with. He even plays the fiddle at a country dance! A roll very far removed from the wise cracking tough guys he will end up playing. Arnold is so good, he won Best Acting Debut at the Golden Globes for this performance. Hard to believe isn’t it? Mono-sylabic AHHHHNOLD getting a best acting award! Oh what could of been- Arnold Schwarzenegger as Hamlet! And on his third film, not his debut Hercules In New York! They must of fell in love with his voice since this was the debut of it on screen. He was dubbed in Hercules and didn’t speak in Long Goodbye. Remember? Have you not been keeping up with these? Go read those reviews already!

The movie itself is pretty great with only one miss-step. It’s directed by Bob Rafelson, who’s not very active now a days, but was responsible for the amazing character study Five Easy Pieces that solidified Jack Nicholson as a major actor after Jack’s coming out in Easy Rider (which Rafelson produced). Not only that, but Rafelson was co-creator of The Monkees, and the director of their criminally unappreciated movie Head. The man should surely be Sainted for bringing the world the gift of The Monkees. Why is the Catholic Church so unfair? Anyways, this film is more in the Five Easy Pieces vein then Head, and is pretty damned fine. None of the characters behave in the way you would think based on stereotypes. It has a comedic element that stays naturally subdued until it sadly goes out of line with a slapstick sequence of body builders running loose in Birmingham (Alabama) to goofy music. It’s a big miss-step, especially considering the cause (I wont ruin it since it's an important plot point that's really miss-handled in this sequence), but not enough to ruin the movie. So this one gets a hardy recommend. I’m surprised I’ve never seen it before, what with the cast and all. This is a great find!

Oh, the film also has Sally Field in it. She plays the receptionist. I’ve never liked her, she’s the type of person where just the look of their face annoys you. For me anyways. She was good in this too. That’s how good this film is!

4 out of Five Arnies.

There it is, a dead solid comedy/drama featuring Arnold that was born out of the new Hollywood ashes that was BBS. What's BBS? Why not buy the boxset and find out. It get's 5 out of 5 by me, even though Arnold Schwarzenneger isn't in it.





Next up will be Arnold's big star turn, the documentary Pumping Iron! Hold thumbs!

The Long Goodbye!

Ho ho! I bet you all forgot I was doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger run down! Or you hoped I forgot about it, it's a rather stupid project. Too bad, it has not been abandoned and here's the latest instalment! This would of been posted earlier in the week, but I forgot to email the artwork to my work computer. I never claimed to be a computer programmer! GET A GRIP PEOPLE! So here it is, with a weird poster that looks like it's from Mad Magazine, it's...

The Long Good-Bye (1973)

First off, this isn’t actually an Arnold movie. He is in it, and it does appear on his IMDB page, but he’s barely in it. He gets about 30 seconds of screen time and doesn’t do anything other then look threatening and take his shirt off. Arnie plays a heavy and is basically back drop material. So as far as Arnie goes, this is:

out of 5 Arnies.




So while a bust as far as Arnold goes, this is actually a pretty great movie. Robert Altman takes a classic Phillip Marlow detective story and kind of turns it on it’s head. The plot is twisty and turn-y, I’ll refrain form recapping it so as not to ruin any surprises since this is worth a watch, other then to say that like all great movies it's kicked off by a hungry cat*. The style of the film is pretty great. Marlow as played by Elliot Gould (probably better known as Ross’s dad on “Friends” then anything else) seems to be right out of the fifties, including his car. Everyone and everything else seems to be set in the seventies when the film was made. It sounds like a potential disaster, but it really works. All the Altman quirks are to be found, great performances (especially by the great Sterling Hayden who was supposedly drunk and stoned the whole time so his scenes were improvised) and overlapping dialog. So as a proper movie, this one gets a solid 4/5.

There it is! Arnolds second film isn't really an Arnold film but a neo-noir by an art house favourite director. Altman has always been a bit hit and miss with me. I don't think I've loved any of his films. Not even Short Cuts that features a nearly constantly naked crush object by the name of Julianne Moore. Grrrrowl! I do like that Julianne Moore! Maybe I should of done a Julianne Moore project, with tons of screen caps... maybe that should of been a private thought.

Next up is STAY HUNGRY. STAAAAAY HAAAAANGRY!! It's a proper Arnold film I think (he's on the DVD Cover) and he co-stars with The Dude. Should be good!

*Anyone who can think of another movie that's kicked off by a starving cat gets a prize!**

** Not really.***

*** Asterisk notes are fun!

Hercules In New York!

Arnold Schwarzenegger. The name is big in the news right now. No, not for being the governor of California, or for his years in movies. Nope, his name is big right now for having a secret love child kept hidden for the past 10 years. Is anyone actually surprised by this? I'm pretty sure that aside from being famous, everyone thought of Arnold as a raging asshole. I know I did, and I was a fan!

Right, the point of this blog isn't to discuss the man, his infidelities or his raging asshole personality. It's to discuss his work. I have fallen out of grace with Arnold, he made too many kids films and lost me. That said, I was a HUGE Schwarzenegger fan growing up. I discovered him via a super channel viewing of "Conan The Barbarian" around 1983 and was hooked. Everyone I knew was. If you were a boy in North America in the 80's you were an Arnold Schwarzenegger fan, and you loved his movies. LOVED THEM. Or you were beaten up for not liking him. The 80's was the era of bullies people, and sissies who didn't like Arnold got beat down at recess. It's a tough world, be thankful we are more enlightened now.

Since it's been years since I remember sincerely liking an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, and since the man is talking about a come back provided he isn't killed for spawning a secret army of Arnolds, I've decided to re-watch all of his films. All the ones I can get my hands on anyways, and probably in mostly chronological order. I anticipate this taking awhile since frankly, this could become a bit of a tough slog and there's thousands of other things I'd like to be doing. For the sake of my ego, I'm going to keep track of the films here. So here's the first review!

HERCULES IN NEW YORK (1969)

Look at that poster! how could anyone resist this movie? Resist it they did, in droves...

Hercules is bored of Mount Olympus, so he goes to New York to have a vacation. In New York he fights numerous guys on the Bowery, befriends a nerd named Pretz (short for “Pretzel”, he’s a pretzel salesman at the docks), and wrestles a bear in central park! The lesson to be learned is something about humility, and it’s supposed to be a comedy. I think.

What is there to say about Arnold’s film debut? It’s terrible. Not as terrible as it used to be, originally Arnold’s voice was dubbed since his thick accent made the already poor dialog all that much harder understand. Now, thanks to DVD, you can watch it with Arnold’s original dialog all in tack. It’s not much of an improvement, but it helps. The main problem with this film is that it’s super cheap and a comedy. This is 1969, it should be a sexploitation. Comedies are really hard to make. Hell, Hollywood rarely get them right, there’s little chance for someone with a shoe string budget and a unknown body builder to make a good film. So this one really misses the mark. If it went the sexploitation rout it might of been interesting. It's not like Arnold was a prude, he used to pose for gay magazines* for Christs sake! A gay sexploitation angle could of really helped this! Arnold is young and handsome- and billed as "Arnold Strong" since his last name is hard to spell and makes your spell check go crazy, but displays none of the screen presence that will make him the biggest movie star in the world. It’s must of been through force of will that he was able to get future rolls in the movies since this was hardly a calling card. Co-star Arnold Stang who plays the roll of “Pretz” doesn’t fair any better and you would never know that he had years of TV and film credits prior to this. He too will continue on in films, mostly doing voice work until passing away in 2009. No one else worth mentioning, this movie is unexceptional. It also feels about 5 hours long.

out of 5 Arnolds




So there it is, Arnold will move on from this film- a film he regrets doing, and become the biggest movie star in the world. From humble beginnings rises greatness!

*That link is NSFW by the way...